…but anyone who claims that not to be true of themselves is quite deluded. The most recent subject of non-understanding which brings me to pour out my soul is happiness. Happiness is the drive by which evolution encourages certain very complicated behavior in animals, in a way which genetics alone cannot. Happiness is older than writing, older than language, older than music, older than just about any concept we take for granted today. It may be the second oldest emotion (I would wager it isn’t older than pain/sadness, but I bet it is close).
I have long wondered what it would take to make me happy. I mean, I am happy now, in that I am happy with my job, happy with my car, happy with my material possessions. I am happy to have my friends, and happy to have things which drive me (my current project at work, open source, music, and other things). But I always felt I could be happier. I often felt something was missing from my life. Primarily, I think that is someone to share it all with.
I often hear things from my friends like “You can’t find someone to be happy with if you are unhappy to start”, or, “you have like yourself or nobody will like you”, and other choice gems of wisdom. To me they seemed like quite the catch-22. We in the computer world call this a “circular dependency”. It is a real problem, A cannot be satisfied without B, but B cannot be satisfied without A. What is one to do?
The way to solve this problem, in Computer Science and in life, is by breaking the circular dependency. I always said “so what I am supposed to do, just try to be happy even though I’m not, that’s the only way I can be happy enough to meet someone and be happy?” and they would reply “um, basically, yes.” Well I think I finally understand that now.
Last weekend was an amazing weekend. I went out, I saw a show with friends, I saw a symphony concert with a date, and I met a new friend as well. None of these things were things I hadn’t done several times in the last year. Really, I have no idea what was different, maybe it was just that they were all in such close proximity, and I was just really trying to enjoy them, but I felt great. Last week, I went back to work on Monday feeling great. I didn’t let anything get to me. I worked hard to make progress on my project, and I did. I hung out with friends, went to rehearsal, and did all the stuff I normally did. I consider last week to be one of the happiest weeks of my life.
Now, this weekend, I had a concert. I had to wake up early for a rehearsal on Saturday. Then, I went to a cello lesson right after. The cello lesson didn’t go so great because I was pretty tired. After that I went home, and worked on my file server project, which is nearly done. I found that one of the 8 hard drives I had ordered was DOA, meaning I can’t complete the project until I RMA it. I didn’t care though, I still felt great that I all but had it working.
Today was our concert, at 2pm. I slept great – amazingly. I just took some Claritin to clear up my allergies and made sure everything was working right on my CPAP machine, and I went to bed around 1am, and woke up on my own around 10am, feeling great. Our concert could have gone better – we were playing VERY challenging music and we had a little slipup in the second number which was very disappointing (but, fortunately, was not particularly noticeable to anyone besides us). The soloist for Rhapsody in Blue was wonderful, and it went very well. The second half of the program was also pretty uneventful.
Well, all gussied up in my tux, dragging along my cello, I headed back to my car, put it in the back seat as usual, and sat down in the drivers seat. The car was warm, and I was warm from the tux, so I put down all the windows. It was a beautiful, absolutely perfect 56 degrees outside. I started driving, and I just…felt great. The concert was over, and the rest of my weekend was open, I could just go home and watch some TV or something, whatever I wanted. I started to put on some music to get the concert stuff out of my head, and the CD system settled on my “drivin’ mix” – a bunch of upbeat techno and trance from Overclocked Remix.
This is when I realized everything that I have written up to this point. I realized how great the last week was. I realized how great this weekend was. I realized how happy I was. And so, I opened the windows all the way, put down the moon roof, and turned up the music.
Now I have seen folks like this before. Driving down the road, blaring their music. I always thought how inconsiderate they were being, like they think their music is so good they have to blare it at the world or something. “Hey, everyone, look at me, I have a sweet car and loud music, and I want to turn heads”. Only now do I realize why people really do this (at least, I think my explanation is right). I did it because I was so happy, the wind in my face, the music loud and out there, and it just felt good. I was happy. The only way to keep that happy feeling was to turn up the music and put down the windows and just enjoy it all. Air conditioning blowing in my face was not going to replicate this priceless feeling.
And so I drove all the way home like that, windows down, music up, a big goofy grin on my face, wearing my tux still, driving around in a beautiful 2008 Acura TL, accompanied by the most excellent techo-ized theme songs from Mega Man, Sonic the Hedgehog, and Street Fighter.
The point of this whole story is, I was supremely happy. I don’t think even a significant other could have made that particular moment much happier. I realize now that finding someone isn’t everything. It remains the most important thing on my “to-do list” for certain, but that in no way prevents me from having the time of my life. Happiness is hard to understand, but that’s what is so great about it. You never know when it will strike.

